Nothing lasting is ever achieved in a hurry, and emotions don’t shift overnight—nor do habits. Over time, they become etched into us, like imprints. Still, I knew I had to begin somewhere if I was ever going to shed the weight I’d carried since childhood.

Parents are meant to prepare their children for adulthood. Mine, instead, passed down a heavy burden—one I carried unknowingly for years. Now, I find myself trying to outrun the shadows of a childhood that still clings to me. Time and again, I’ve longed to think, feel, and act differently, but the lingering influence of my parents always seemed to hold me in place.

One day standing in front of a full garbage can to put in another bag, I finally saw myself. As a woman who cared more about how she looked on the outside than the inside, I was filled with negative thoughts and feelings about life. Everything was someone else’s fault.

I was surrounded by people who believed the world couldn’t get along without them. They were self-important and arrogant. I suddenly realized I must get rid of the garbage inside me and refill myself with something that sustains instead of destroys. First, I had to let out what I had been shamefully hiding all my life, analyze it and in return give it back to those who put it there. I would then replace this pattern with something worthwhile.

The abuse I lived through as a child haunted me. Not knowing any better, I accepted this mental and physical pain as my life’s burden. My father always told me I was unworthy, dumb, no good and not worth the food I ate.

As I wrote about my childhood, the haunting shadows hit me. Seeing the horrible scenes in my mind, I felt as if I had emptied one layer of my soul-garbage-can. Every scene I wrote turned on another light and the mental pain left me little by little. I saw how my life today was controlled by those childhood experiences. One memory followed another and after I had written everything down I could never talk about it and realized how much power and control these secrets had over me. Gradually, I started feeling freer; the fear subsided in stages until finally I felt empty.

The time was ripe to fill the gap in my mind with positive thoughts. In this process I discovered a gentle kind woman who was able to love. Carefully, still fearing rejection, I began to express my opinion and my true feelings. I no longer had to please others. My self-confidence grew steadily.

After six years of mainly self-therapy (regressing), I made an important step. The mental healing progress begun slowly by unloading a burden I no longer could care. I faced what I feared most, my hometown of Harburg, Germany, where all the horrible memories were created.