A Lifelong Pursuit of Understanding: Trauma, Science, and Personal Transformation
My life underwent a profound transformation in 1991 when I emigrated from Germany to California. Divorced since 1972, I left behind my 22-year-old son, who chose to remain in Germany. For the first time in my life, I began to experience a genuine sense of personal agency and intrinsic self-worth. This pivotal transition allowed me to explore my authentic identity and gain greater autonomy over the direction of my life.
In November 1991, I met a man with whom I felt a deep and lasting connection. After he proposed three times, I finally said yes in July 1992. During the time in between, I observed him closely—and because he showed neither narcissistic tendencies nor any trace of psychopathic traits, I could genuinely envision spending the rest of my life with him.
By the end of 1993, I had filled stacks of handwritten pages detailing my childhood experiences. My inquiry into the long-term physiological and neurological effects of childhood abuse began in 1994—a time when the subject was still largely overlooked in scientific and medical communities. Driven by a sense of personal urgency, I wrote a letter to President Bill Clinton, urging greater research into the issue. To my surprise and encouragement, he responded positively and took steps to support further investigation.
(See: Letter to President Clinton
While living in Sacramento, I earned college credits in Journalism—graduating with a 4.0 GPA—and maintained a 3.0 GPA in mid-term coursework in Psychology, Computer Science, and English as a Second Language. However, my academic progress was disrupted when we moved to a rental home 48 miles north of the city, making commuting increasingly difficult. The situation worsened in 2004 when I became ill with Clostridioides difficile, which, as a water test later confirmed, was caused by contaminated well water. This health crisis prompted us to relocate permanently, and we eventually purchased a home in New Mexico.
In April 2005, my husband and I relocated from California to New Mexico. Shortly after the move, my husband suffered a stroke, and I became his full-time caregiver. Though he gradually recovered over the next year, new and serious health challenges emerged, requiring my continued attention.
Continuing my college education in Albuquerque proved unfeasible. Restarting from the beginning was not a viable option given my caregiving responsibilities. In response, I turned to alternative avenues of learning, seeking out high-quality, freely available academic resources. One of the most valuable was Dr. Kevin Ahern’s biochemistry lecture series from Oregon State University. Dr. Ahern generously answered my questions and, in 2009–2010, encouraged me to take a genetic test through 23andMe—an experience that deepened my fascination with the life sciences.
(Dr. Kevin Ahern’s Lecture
In March 2010, I began studying the online lectures of Dr. Robert Sapolsky, a professor at Stanford University, starting with his acclaimed course Introduction to Human Behavioral Biology.
Sapolsky’s Course
I later read his books Behave and Determined, which significantly deepened my understanding of human behavior, neuroscience, and the biological roots of trauma.
Over the years, my self-directed education has drawn from a wide range of scientific literature and academic lectures. I never set out to earn a formal PhD; instead, my goal was to expand my knowledge and deepen my understanding—driven by the same relentless curiosity I had as a child, constantly asking “why” or “how,” often to the frustration of adults and teachers. A formative moment in this journey came when I discovered the work of neuroscientist Dr. James Fallon. His book The Psychopath Inside, which includes an analysis of his own brain scans, offered insights that helped me make sense of my own family history. Through that lens, I came to recognize that my mother exhibited traits consistent with narcissistic personality disorder, while my father closely matched the clinical profile of a Type 1 psychopath.
Having survived nine surgeries, I developed a deep interest in neurology—particularly in how viruses, bacteria, fungi, as well as genetics and epigenetics, influence human physiology.
After my husband’s passing in 2013, I intensified my studies in genetics and epigenetics, focusing on how early-life trauma can shape gene expression. My research centered on the MAOA gene and the impact of severe childhood stress on DNA methylation—biological modifications with long-lasting effects on both physical and psychological health.
My life had long been shaped by complex health challenges. I was first diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency in 1979. In 2007, an MRI revealed further spinal complications, including Chiari malformation, spinal stenosis, and Tarlov cysts at the coccyx and T11–T12 vertebrae. In 2016, I underwent spinal surgery at L4–L5, which resulted in a severe case of sepsis caused by contaminated hardware. Subsequent infections—Staphylococcus epidermidis, Peptostreptococcus, Staphylococcus caprae, and Corynebacterium—required prolonged treatment with IV vancomycin and oral ciprofloxacin. Recovery was extensive and further complicated by serious side effects from these medications.
In 2019, at age 70, I returned to Germany to be closer to my son, believing I had made peace with my childhood trauma and was ready to reconnect with my past.
I was mistaken.
The experience proved unexpectedly sobering. My return coincided with the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, during which I contracted the virus. After receiving the BioNTech mRNA vaccine, I developed symptoms consistent with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome (SJS), and my health rapidly deteriorated. With limited support from the medical system, I advocated for my own diagnostic testing. This led to the discovery of multiple serious conditions: thrombosis, lupus, antiphospholipid syndrome (APS), and von Willebrand disease types 2 and 5—a rare genetic disorder.
These diagnoses triggered a cascade of debilitating symptoms. Support was scarce, and I found myself questioning everything once more.
Despite the nearly three decades since I had left Germany, the cultural landscape remained surprisingly static—marked by rigid hierarchies, moral absolutism, and a persistently judgmental, even querulous, mindset that extended into the medical profession. Fundamental questions of personal identity and autonomy were often marginalized, dismissed, or ridiculed.
The prevailing social climate still seemed shaped by rigid traditional frameworks, often reinforced by repetitive and formulaic educational phrases that left little room for critical or creative thinking. I couldn’t help but wonder if the legacy—or “imprint”—of Konrad Lorenz was still echoing through these systems. His concept of imprinting remains a potent metaphor for how conformity is instilled early in life and perpetuated across generations.
Abuse, when it occurred, was rarely acknowledged. Victims were often silenced or disbelieved. In many instances, education remained deliberately withheld from lower-income communities—a long-standing mechanism for reinforcing cultural subjugation and suppressing independent thought.
Social interactions frequently included exclusionary humor, where individuals were ridiculed for not adhering to a narrow sense of what was deemed “appropriate” amusement. These behaviors were often paired with unsolicited, unsubstantiated directives—normative assertions about how one should live, manage their home, or pursue a career. Such degrading commentary seemed to reflect a continuity of social dynamics unchanged since childhood.
Factual information was often dismissed outright with statements like, “That’s not my concern,” even as people expressed frustration over societal stagnation—when such frustration aligned with their own agendas. Presented with evidence, many seemed fixated on advancing personal narratives rather than engaging in meaningful dialogue. Responses often relied on minimization, deflection, or outright disparagement.
And so I return to the question:
Is Konrad Lorenz’s foundational idea still in circulation?
Notably, in 1940, he published an essay in a volume titled Die wissenschaftlichen Grundlagen der nationalsozialistischen Weltanschauung (The Scientific Foundations of the National Socialist Worldview), edited by Walter Schönichen.
Excerpt:
„Es ist Aufgabe der angewandten Biologie, die Vermehrung biologisch minderwertiger Menschen zu verhindern.“
Translation: “It is the task of applied biology to prevent the reproduction of biologically inferior people.”
„Ein Volk von Schwachsinnigen kann keine Kultur haben.“
Translation: “A nation of imbeciles cannot have a culture.”
Source: Die wissenschaftlichen Grundlagen der nationalsozialistischen Weltanschauung (1940), published by Zentralverlag der NSDAP
On Racial Hygiene (circa early 1940s)
In a report written while working for the Office for Race and Settlement Policy (Rasse- und Siedlungshauptamt or RuSHA) of the SS:
„Die Rassenhygiene ist genau so notwendig wie eine Körperhygiene; wer gegen sie verstößt, gefährdet das ganze Volk.“
Translation: “Racial hygiene is just as necessary as bodily hygiene; anyone who violates it endangers the whole people.”
Source: Richard Weikart, From Darwin to Hitler: Evolutionary Ethics, Eugenics, and Racism in Germany (Palgrave Macmillan, 2004)
Throughout these many challenges and transitions, my commitment to lifelong learning has never wavered. My journey has been one of resilience, inquiry, and a steadfast drive to understand the biological and psychological mechanisms that shape human behavior, health, and transformation.
“Step away from what holds you back, and move toward a new place to land.
Sometimes, the farther you are from home, the closer you come to yourself.”
SWA
Both organisation formed by Sieglinde W. Alexander while living in the USA:
AAaCWorld – Adults Abused as Children Worldwide in 1994
and
EMaK – Erwachsene Misshandelt als Kinder formed 2000 are closed in 2016.
The website has been renamed and is now accessible.
https://misshandeltenachkriegskinder.com/
Contact Me
sieglindewalexander.com was established by Sieglinde W. Alexander, USA in 2000 to introduce “Haunting Shadows from the Past”, Library of Congress Card Number: LCN 00-192742, ISBN: 0-9703195-0-9 and all other writings by Sieglinde W. Alexander.